Pillow Talks

Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize.

And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies.

Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.”

In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your confidence, desire, and connection over time.

Vanessa shares her own journey with orgasm, including the truth that even as a sex therapist, she didn’t always have this “figured out.” She opens up about faking in past relationships, feeling stuck, and realizing she needed real tools — not just reassurance — to experience pleasure consistently.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Is this just how sex is for me?”

“Am I asking for too much?”

“Why does this feel so complicated?”

This episode is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


The three most common ways women cope with not orgasming.


Why faking feels easier at first — and harder over time.


The real data behind the orgasm gap.


What thousands of women said is holding them back from pleasure.


How pressure, performance, and people-pleasing kill desire.


Why “it’s fine” often leads to resentment.


What to say if you’ve been faking and want a reset.


How to start advocating for your pleasure without blowing things up.


Why you deserve the same experience your partner is having.

If you’ve ever felt confused, discouraged, or quietly frustrated about orgasm, please know this: you’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. This is something you can learn. And you deserve support while you do.

💗 Featured Resource: Finishing School

Finishing School is Vanessa’s most technique-focused program, designed to teach you step-by-step how to have an orgasm alone and with a partner.

Inside, you’ll learn:


How your body actually works.


What techniques create reliable pleasure.


How to communicate what you need.


How to stop guessing and start feeling confident.


How to experience orgasms without pressure or performance.

This is everything Vanessa wishes she’d had when she was struggling.

👉 Start here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Life has been a lot lately.

So today, we’re digging into the archives and bringing back one of the most important episodes we’ve ever recorded: how to talk about sex.

Because communication is the thing that keeps connection alive. And these conversations don’t have to feel awkward, heavy, or like you’re about to start a fight.

When you know how to do it right, talking about sex can actually be fun, flirty, and bonding.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the #1 mistake couples make when they finally try to talk about sex (hint: they wait until something feels bad), and we’ll give you our favorite low-pressure ways to start opening up… even if your partner is resistant, nervous, or shuts down the second you bring it up.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


Why most couples wait too long to talk about sex (and how that backfires fast).


The “secret sauce” to making sexual communication feel safer and easier.


How to stop turning sex talks into high-stakes problem-solving sessions.


The sneaky, low-pressure ways to start the conversation (even if your partner’s resistant).


Simple scripts to compliment, reminisce, and flirt your way into better connection.


The post-game recap (and why it works best when you keep it light).


Why talking about sex helps reduce shame, anxiety, and performance pressure.

If talking about sex feels intimidating in your relationship, this episode is for you.

Sometimes all it takes is one small, low-pressure conversation to start changing the whole vibe between you two.

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)?

If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark.

Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar.

You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

📘 Mentioned in this episode:

Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

Our New York Times bestselling book breaks down the five conversations that make talking about sex feel easier, more connecting, and way less intimidating.

It’s grounded in real-life stories from their own relationship and gives couples a clear path to communicating about sex without pressure or panic. https://sextalksbook.com/

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

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👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW

We’ve been experimenting more in our own bedroom lately, and in today’s episode, we’re pulling back the covers on what we’ve discovered.

The things that surprised us. The moments that felt a little vulnerable. And the small shifts that brought a big boost of curiosity and connection.

Exploration doesn’t have to mean doing anything extreme or intimidating. If you love the idea of trying something new but feel stuck on how to actually bring this into your real-life sex life, don’t worry. We’re breaking down exactly how to make exploration feel intentional, low-pressure, and actually fun.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


What “exploration” really means (and what it doesn’t).


Why new doesn’t have to mean wild — it can mean slower, softer, or more intentional.


How to talk about trying new things outside the bedroom first.


Why removing pressure makes experimentation way more enjoyable.


How to create playful structure with curiosity nights and King/Queen roles.


How laughing things off builds safety and trust.


Why exploration is an ongoing mindset, not a one-time fix.


Our recent bedroom discoveries — including pillows, fingers, and subtle shifts in sensation.

If you’re in a season where sex feels predictable, disconnected, or a little stale, this episode is a reminder that you don’t need a total overhaul.

Sometimes curiosity is enough to open the door again.

🔗 Links & Resources
💖 Valentine’s Day Sale: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides

If you want a really good way to bring more exploration, confidence, and fun into your bedroom, this week is the perfect time.

Right now, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides — our #1 best seller — are on sale for $40 (normally $69) to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Vanessa’s birthday. 🎉

Inside, you’ll find:


Over 100 foreplay techniques you can explore together.


Clear, step-by-step instructions (no guessing).


Audio versions you can listen to together.


Tasteful visuals that make things feel approachable, not awkward.

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I want you… and I want us to have more fun together.”

👉 Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay

(on sale now through Feb 16, 2026)

Our Fave Sex Pillow : The Prim @ TabuStay connected

Use our code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% Off

👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/pillow

Stay connected
📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/PILLOW

Lately, we’ve been hearing from so many of you in our DMs. People are telling us they feel guilty wanting pleasure. Ashamed for craving closeness.

Disconnected from their bodies and their partners because the world feels overwhelming, violent, and unstable.

Others have told us they know their relationship matters, but caring about their sex life feels hard when so much is happening globally.

Many of you feel less present, less motivated, and more anxious, and it’s showing up directly in your connection.

In today’s episode, we’re talking about what to do when the weight of the world makes intimacy feel impossible.

This conversation is not about ignoring reality.

It’s about learning how to stay grounded, emotionally available, and connected so you can actually show up for your life, your values, and your relationship.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


How constant exposure to distressing news and social media keeps your nervous system stuck in survival mode.


Why stress and anxiety don’t just affect your mood, but directly impact desire, arousal, and presence.


The moral pressure many people feel to put their relationship on pause during hard times.


Holding awareness of the world while still caring for your relationship.


How physical connection helps regulate your nervous system and bring you back into your body.


Simple ways to shift from overwhelm to meaningful, local connection and action.


Practical rituals for staying connected when everything feels heavy.


Why staying close to your partner can actually make you more effective and resilient.

If you’ve been wondering how to care about your relationship when things feel dark or hopeless, this episode is for you.

🔗 Links & Resources

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================
THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS
==========================
👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW
👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

Testosterone is one of those topics that feels loaded.

It’s tangled up in masculinity, aging, sex drive, energy, mood… and a whole lot of misinformation. Because of that, many men quietly wonder if something is off — but feel embarrassed, unsure, or afraid to even ask the question.

So today, we’re having a very real conversation.

In this episode, Xander is sharing his personal testosterone journey — what made him start asking questions, the concerns he had before doing anything, what the actual process looked like, and how it’s impacted everything from his energy and mood to sex and our relationship.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


The early symptoms that made Xander realize something wasn’t right.


Why sobriety played a surprising role in recognizing his baseline energy.


What functional medicine actually is (and how it differs from traditional care).


Why many men never get tested for testosterone through primary care.


The problem with “normal” testosterone ranges in the U.S.


What lifestyle changes he tried first — and why they weren’t enough.


The different treatment options (creams, Clomid, injections) and how each felt.


What it’s really like to inject testosterone.


How his testosterone levels changed over time.


What it actually costs — and whether insurance covers it.


Honest answers to the most common fears and side effects.

We get into the stuff men are usually too embarrassed to ask out loud.

This isn’t medical advice. It is one person’s honest experience navigating low testosterone, functional medicine, and treatment options — the good, the uncomfortable, and the unexpected.

🔗 Links & Resources

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount of the Tabu Sex Pillow ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow