Pillow Talks

Most parents dread “the talk.”

How much are you supposed to say? When do you start? What if you say the wrong thing?

If you’ve ever felt awkward, unprepared, or secretly hoped your kid would just… figure it out somewhere else — you’re not alone.

But here’s the truth: talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them reckless. Research shows it does the opposite. It reduces risky behavior, increases safety, lowers shame, and strengthens your relationship.

And it’s never too late to start.

In this episode, we break down how to move beyond one big, terrifying “talk” and instead create short, ongoing conversations that actually work. No lectures. No shame. Just practical, real-world guidance from a licensed sex therapist who’s been helping families navigate this for over 20 years.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:


Why “The Talk” is a myth (and what to do instead).


The research-backed benefits of talking to kids about sex.


How to get clear on your why before you start.


How to define your family’s guiding principles around sex.


The 5 core conversations every parent should have (and how they evolve by age).


Conversation starters and scripts you can actually use.


What to say when your kid asks a question that completely catches you off guard.

You don’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to have all the answers.

You just have to be willing to start.

And that willingness? That’s what makes the difference

🔥 Want Step-By-Step Support?

If you’re ready to become the parent your kid can talk to about anything — and you want all the guesswork taken out of it — Beyond The Birds & The Bees: Raising Smart, Safe, Shame-Free Kids gives you scripts, age-by-age guidance, and clear direction on how to raise safe, smart, shame-free kids.

It’s not just about having better conversations.

It’s about breaking cycles.

👉 Learn more here: vmtherapy.com/kids

Stay connected
📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

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We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire.

And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido.

Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection.

When you combine those two dynamics, you get four distinct Desire Types. This is a framework we created to help couples finally understand why they might feel like they’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy.

Understanding yours (and your partner’s) desire type can completely change the way you approach sex, connection, and feeling wanted — without blame, shame, or pressure.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:


The difference between spontaneous (brain-first) and responsive (body-first) desire.


Why some people want sex to create connection — and others need connection first.


The four Desire Types and the strengths and challenges of each.


Why your type might shift depending on stress, life stage, or relationship season.


How to use this framework to open up better conversations with your partner.

We’ll walk you through simple prompts to help you figure out your type, then break down what each combination looks like in real life.

No stereotypes. No “one of you is broken” narratives.

Just a clear, compassionate way to understand how you want sex — and why your partner might want it differently.

If you’ve ever felt mismatched, confused, or frustrated around desire… this episode might be the clarity you’ve been missing.

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥Discover Your Desire Type Here

Want to know your type for sure? Learn your Desire Type and get personalized insight into how you experience desire — plus what it means for your relationship.

👉 Take the quiz here: https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Ever wish you could get a straight answer about what’s actually going on in his head? 🧠

We’re back with Part 4 of our “What Do Men Really Think About…?” series — and this time we’re diving into everything from Heated Rivalry and seeing gay sex on screen… to mental load, breadwinning, and why it takes them so long to poop.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


How men feel about watching gay sex on screen (including the Heated Rivalry phenomenon).


Whether they actually believe mental load is real.


What they think about baggy sweats and messy hair at home.


How they feel when their partner earns more money than they do.


The truth about submissiveness — and whether they want women to take more control.


If they care about going down on you if you haven’t showered.


And what they really notice about areolas.

Xander’s not holding back… and some answers may surprise you!

🔗 Links & Resources:

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3 ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/episode213

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize.

And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies.

Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.”

In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your confidence, desire, and connection over time.

Vanessa shares her own journey with orgasm, including the truth that even as a sex therapist, she didn’t always have this “figured out.” She opens up about faking in past relationships, feeling stuck, and realizing she needed real tools — not just reassurance — to experience pleasure consistently.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Is this just how sex is for me?”

“Am I asking for too much?”

“Why does this feel so complicated?”

This episode is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


The three most common ways women cope with not orgasming.


Why faking feels easier at first — and harder over time.


The real data behind the orgasm gap.


What thousands of women said is holding them back from pleasure.


How pressure, performance, and people-pleasing kill desire.


Why “it’s fine” often leads to resentment.


What to say if you’ve been faking and want a reset.


How to start advocating for your pleasure without blowing things up.


Why you deserve the same experience your partner is having.

If you’ve ever felt confused, discouraged, or quietly frustrated about orgasm, please know this: you’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. This is something you can learn. And you deserve support while you do.

💗 Featured Resource: Finishing School

Finishing School is Vanessa’s most technique-focused program, designed to teach you step-by-step how to have an orgasm alone and with a partner.

Inside, you’ll learn:


How your body actually works.


What techniques create reliable pleasure.


How to communicate what you need.


How to stop guessing and start feeling confident.


How to experience orgasms without pressure or performance.

This is everything Vanessa wishes she’d had when she was struggling.

👉 Start here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Life has been a lot lately.

So today, we’re digging into the archives and bringing back one of the most important episodes we’ve ever recorded: how to talk about sex.

Because communication is the thing that keeps connection alive. And these conversations don’t have to feel awkward, heavy, or like you’re about to start a fight.

When you know how to do it right, talking about sex can actually be fun, flirty, and bonding.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the #1 mistake couples make when they finally try to talk about sex (hint: they wait until something feels bad), and we’ll give you our favorite low-pressure ways to start opening up… even if your partner is resistant, nervous, or shuts down the second you bring it up.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


Why most couples wait too long to talk about sex (and how that backfires fast).


The “secret sauce” to making sexual communication feel safer and easier.


How to stop turning sex talks into high-stakes problem-solving sessions.


The sneaky, low-pressure ways to start the conversation (even if your partner’s resistant).


Simple scripts to compliment, reminisce, and flirt your way into better connection.


The post-game recap (and why it works best when you keep it light).


Why talking about sex helps reduce shame, anxiety, and performance pressure.

If talking about sex feels intimidating in your relationship, this episode is for you.

Sometimes all it takes is one small, low-pressure conversation to start changing the whole vibe between you two.

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)?

If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark.

Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar.

You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

📘 Mentioned in this episode:

Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

Our New York Times bestselling book breaks down the five conversations that make talking about sex feel easier, more connecting, and way less intimidating.

It’s grounded in real-life stories from their own relationship and gives couples a clear path to communicating about sex without pressure or panic. https://sextalksbook.com/

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices