Why She Stayed

I sit down with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code to unpack the most misunderstood aspects of coercive control and psychological abuse.

One of the most powerful shifts in understanding abuse is learning to stop asking, “Was this incident abusive?” and instead asking, “What was this behavior designed to accomplish?” We discuss why the function of abusive behavior matters far more than the form it takes.

In this conversation, we cover:

Why abusers don’t lose control—they deploy it.
Why coercive control is built through a million tiny threads that eventually become a rope.
How abusers intentionally use "low-cost" methods of control that leave no bruises but dramatically reshape your behavior.
How abusers get you to control yourself.
Why the phrase “He never hit me” can keep survivors from recognizing an abusive relationship.
How looking at abuse one incident at a time prevents you from seeing the system of control operating underneath it.
Why abuse is like a pig wearing different colors of lipstick—the tactics change, but the function remains the same.

If you’ve ever questioned your own experience because there wasn’t one “big enough” event, this episode is for you.

Guest Links and Resources:
Lindsay's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_control_code/
Lindsay's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@the_control_code
Lindsay's SubStack: https://substack.com/@thecontrolcode
Lindsay's Coercive Control Guides: https://linktr.ee/TheControlCode?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQPOTM2NjE5NzQzMzkyNDU5AAGnCAZZI0BG0_X3rb4H7PS00yhJ3cAaZlTXiZ4Fi2zTweMMAbCGRy79jdMi_aQ_aem_lzeUgb-UjxBaVXAmpyJlaA

Topics: coercive control, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, manipulation, trauma, survivor education, relationship red flags, coercive control patterns, Lindsay Stoker, The Control Code.
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If I could sit across from the woman I was back then, these are the 20 things I would tell her.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I reflect on my own experience of coercive control and share the lessons I wish someone had taught me while I was still living inside the confusion.
In this episode, we unpack topics like:

Why I found myself doing things that looked “sketchy” from the outside- like deleting text messages with friends and family- and how those behaviors were adaptations to coercive control.
What an abuser is often trying to accomplish when he repeatedly says, “I would never hit a woman,” and why that statement can become part of a much larger manipulation strategy.
How an abuser will say "this is just their personality" as a way to avoid accountability.
Why constantly breaking up with you and pulling you back in is a powerful form of intermittent reinforcement that can create an addictive trauma bond.
The hidden psychological dynamics that make intelligent, capable women stay in relationships they never imagined they’d tolerate.
And 20 hard truths I wish I had understood years earlier.

Whether you’re currently questioning your own relationship, trying to make sense of one you’ve already left, or supporting someone you love, this episode will help you understand coercive control in a way that goes far beyond the stereotypes of abuse.

Grace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabethh

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What if you’re wrong about everything?

It’s one of the most haunting questions survivors of coercive control ask themselves after years of psychological manipulation.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I sit down with Anne Wintemute, founder of AimeeSays, to unpack how blame-shifting rewires your thinking… and how abusers create the illusion of freedom, making you believe you can leave at any time while trapping you inside an invisible cage that’s nearly impossible to prove even to yourself.

Learn more about AimeeSays here: ⁠www.AimeeSays.com
Use code: GRACE for a discount on your Aimee subscription.
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Brand new episode! This is a never-before-heard conversation.

I’m joined by author Cora Leyderman, author of Meet Me at the Well, as she shares the story of her previous marriage to a pathological liar.

While many people picture abuse as physical violence or obvious intimidation, Cora’s experience looked very different. Her husband’s primary tactics were relentless deception, psychological manipulation, and subtle patterns of control that left her questioning her own reality.

If you’ve ever wondered whether emotional and psychological abuse can exist without physical violence, or if you’ve questioned your own experiences, this conversation offers insight and validation.

Be sure to check out the links below to grab Cora’s book, Meet Me at the Well, and follow her on social media to learn more about her work and continue supporting her mission:

Cora's Book: https://www.amazon.com/Meet-Me-Well-Coralia-Leyderman/dp/B0GDJF28ZZ
Cora's Instagram: @1restoration_road
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This episode originally aired on May 13, 2025.

Brand new episode will be released on Tuesday, March 24th.

Lundy Bancroft is the author of the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" as well as many other books and has worked extensively in batterer intervention programs. He has over 30 years of experience working with abusive men and their families and is a leading voice in the field of domestic abuse and advocacy.

For Lundy's books, recourses, and more visit his website at: https://lundybancroft.com/
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.