Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

The way we set limits has such profound implications for our parenting: it’s the difference between parenting in a constant state of anxiety, and being truly calm and confident that you’re making the right decisions as you move through your day.



If we set ineffective limits, our child never knows where we stand.  They push and push and push because they know we will allow it, then finally we blow up because they pushed us TOO FAR and they end up in tears (or angry) and we end up angry (or in tears, or both).



But doesn’t setting limits mean being “harsh” or “punitive”?  Not at all!  When we set the right limits (by which I mean the right limits for your family), you can hold those limits effectively and the testing behavior will diminish dramatically.



The result?  More harmony at home.  Less uncertainty for you.  More confidence for your child.  Give it a try!


Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop

If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible – while still having your boundaries respected!), I hope you’ll join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) workshop.



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Other episodes mentioned:
Why storytelling is so important for our children
Should we just Go Ahead and Heap Rewards on our Child?






Jump to highlights

00:00 Introduction of the episode topic and framing

04:01 Cross-cultural discipline: shame, corporal punishment, and their purposes

07:56 How authoritative versus controlling parenting differs across cultures

11:16 Haim Ginott's ideas and the roots of emotion coaching and limit setting

14:08 When to set limits: Magda Gerber's approach and providing structure

21:59 How children's non-compliance changes from toddlerhood to age five

25:41 Ginott's three zones of discipline

32:27 Why using fantasy or false praise to gain compliance backfires

34:54 What to do when a child still won't cooperate

38:13 Logical consequences versus punishment, with a real example from home



References

Andreadakis, E., Joussemet, M., & Mageau, G.A. (2018). How to support toddlers’ autonomy: Socialization practices reported by parents. Early Education and Development 1-18.



Denby, R.W., & Alford, K.A. (1996). Understanding African American discipline styles: Suggestions for effective social work intervention. Journal of Multicultural Social Work 4(3), 81-98. Full article available at https://www.researchgate.net/publication/234770892_Understanding_African_American_Discipline_Styles_Suggestions_for_Effective_Social_Work_Intervention



Gough, J.L. (2006). Make mild moments memorable: Add a little arousal. Trends in Cognitive Sciences 10(8), 345-347. Full article available at http://aclab.human.cornell.edu/publications/papers/McGaugh_TiCS06.pdf



Helwig, C.C., To, S., Wang, Q., Liu, C., & Yang, S. (2014). Judgements and reasoning about parental discipline involving induction and psychological control in China and Canada. Child Development 85(3), 1150-1167.



Hoffman, M.L. (1960). Power assertion by the parent and its impact on the child. Child Development 31(1), 129-143



Joussemet, M., Koestner, R., Lekes, N., & Houlfort, N. (2004). Introducing uninteresting tasks to children: A comparison of the effects of rewards and autonomy support. Journal of Personality 72(1), 139-166.



Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology 49(3), 194-200



Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., & Koestner, R. (2014). Promoting optimal parenting and children’s mental health: A preliminary evaluation of the how-to parenting program. Journal of Child and Family Studies 23(6), 949-964.



Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., Larose, M-P, Briand, M., & Vitaro, F. (2018). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk: A randomized controlled trial evaluating the efficacy of the how-to parenting program on children’s mental health compared to a wait-list control group. BMC Pediatrics 18, 257-



Kochanska, G., & Aksan, N. (1995). Mother-child mutually positive affect, the quality of child compliance to requests and prohibitions, and maternal control as correlates of early internalization. Child Development 66(1), 236-254.



Kuczynski, L., & Kochanska, G. (1990). Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology 26(3), 398-408.



Lepper, M.L. (1983). Social-control processes and the internalization of social values: An attributional perspective. In E.T. Higgins, D.N. Ruble, & W.W. Hartup (Eds.), Social cognition and social development (p.294-330). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.



Mageau, G.A., Lessard, J., Carpentier, J., Robichaud, J-M, Joussemet, M., & Koestner, R. (2018). Effectiveness and acceptability beliefs regarding logical consequences and mild punishments.



Rohner, R.P., & Pettengill, S.M. (1985). Perceived parental acceptance-rejection and parental control among Korean adolescents. Child Development 56, 524-528.



Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review 30, 74-99.

If you’ve been a parent for a while, or maybe even if you haven’t, you probably saw an article on Holding Space making the rounds of online communities a few years ago.  In the article the author, Heather Plett, describes how she and her siblings were able to hold space for their dying mother in her final days because a palliative care nurse held space for them.


The article outlined some principles of holding space, and I think it really resonated with a lot of people – possibly because so many of us wish we had been held in that way, and we find ourselves trying to hold space for others in that way without a lot of guidance or support.



I kept that article in the back of my mind, and last year I took Heather’s 9-month in-depth course on holding space, and she’s just released a book called The art of holding space: A practice of love, liberation, and leadership.  In this episode we discuss what it means to hold space for others as parents, and how to raise our children to be able to hold space for others.



Links mentioned in the episode

The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership (Affiliate link).

The Centre for Holding Space Website



Jump to highlights

01:38 Introduction to the episode and guest Heather Plett

02:38 What it means to hold space for someone

03:10 The three-layered bowl: what you offer, what guides you, and what supports you

08:23 What liminal space means, and where the concept comes from

20:51 What holding space looks like in the parent-child relationship

24:07 Allyship: supporting a child without taking over their struggle

29:08 Tools for supporting a parent who's clearly struggling

32:53 Discernment, humility, and intuition: the hardest layer of the bowl

43:49 Hijacking space, and catching yourself doing it to your own child

49:26 The spiral of authenticity, and giving children room to be themselves

This episode began out of a query that I see repeated endlessly in online parenting groups: “My child has a really strong preference for me.  They get on great with the other parent (usually the father, in a heterosexual relationship) when I’m not around, but when I’m there it’s all “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”  This is destroying my partner; how can we get through this stage?”



So that’s where I began the research on this question, and it led me down quite a rabbit hole – I’d never thought too much about whether mothers and fathers fulfill unique roles in a child’s development and while it isn’t necessarily as prescriptive as “the mother provides… and the father provides… ,” in many families these roles do occur and this helps to explain why children prefer one parent over another. (we also touch on how this plays out in families where both parents are of the same gender).



My guest for this episode is Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepheard, Professor at California State University Chico, whose research focuses on children’s social and emotional development and  relationships with their fathers.


Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.



The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!










Click the “Send Voicemail” button on the right >>> to record your message for the 100th episode: it can be a question, a comment, or anything else you like!



Jump to highlights

10:17 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepherd

11:07 Richard Bowlby's model of dual attachment: safe haven versus secure exploration

17:22 The purpose of rough and tumble play

21:38 Why "60 to 70% secure attachment" is more alarming than reassuring

23:06 What attunement and reflective functioning mean

27:10 Why attachment patterns transmit more strongly through mothers than fathers

31:05 What happens when only one parent engages in reflective functioning

33:56 Attachment hierarchies: why children often prefer one parent

44:07 Earned security: how attachment patterns can shift in adulthood

47:19 Maternal gatekeeping and its effect on father involvement

52:14 Why some fathers become "just transportation" by adolescence






References

Benbassat, N., & Priel, B. (2015). Why is father’s reflective function important? Psyhoanalytic Psychology 32(1) 1-22. Benoit, D. & Parker, K.C



.H. (1994). Stability and Transmission of Attachment across Three Generations. Child Development, 65 (5), 1444-1456.



Bretherton, I., Lambert, J.D., & Golby, B. (2005). Involved fathers of preschool children as seen by themselves and their wives: Accounts of attachment, socialization, and companionship. Attachment & Human Development 7(3), 229-251.



Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Hanlon, C. (2013). Family play and leisure activities: Correlates of parents’ and children’s socio-emotional well-being. International Journal of Play 2(3), 254-272.



Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Newland, L.A. (2013). Mothers’ and fathers’ couple and family contextual influences, parent involvement, and school-age child attachment. Early Childhood Development and Care 183(3-4), 553-569.



Dumont, C., & Paquette, D. (2013). What about the child’s tie to the father? A new insight into fathering, father-child attachment, children’s socio-emotional development and the activation relationship theory. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 430-446.



Fletcher, R. (2011). The Dad factor: How father-baby bonding helps a child for life. Mona Vale, New South Wales: Finch.



Freeman, H., Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Newland, L.A. (2008). Father beliefs as a mediator between contextual barriers and father involvement. Early Child Development and Care 178(7), 803-819.



Freeman, H. (2010). Mapping young adults’ use of fathers for attachment support: implications on romantic relationship experiences. Early Child Development and Care 180(1), 227-248.



Freeman, H., Newland, L.A., & Coyl, D.D. (2010). New directions in father involvement. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 1-8.



Gaumon, S., & Paquette, D. (2013). The father-child activation relationship and internalizing disorders at preschool age. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 447-463.



George, M.R.W., Cummings, E.M., & Davies, P.T. (2010). Positive aspects of fathering and mothering, and children’s attachment in kindergarten. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 107-119.



Goldberg, A.E., Downing, J.B., & Sauck, C.C. (2008). Perceptions of children’s parental preferences in lesbian two-mother households. Journal of Marriage and Family 70, 419-434.



Grossman, K., Grossman, K.E., Kindler, H., & Zimmerman, P. (2008). A wider view of attachment and exploration: The influences of mothers and fathers on the development of psychological security from infancy to young adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.). Handbooks of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd. ed.) (pp. 552-598)). New York, NY: Guildford Press.



Newland, L.A., & Coyl, D.D. (2010). Fathers’ role as attachment figures: An interview with Sir Richard Bowlby. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 25-32.



Newland, L.A., Chen, H-H., Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., Liang, Y-C., Carr, E.R., Dykstra, E., & Gapp, S.C. (2013). Parent and child perspectives on mothering and fathering: The influence of ecocultural niches. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 534-552.



Pluke, R.H. (2014). Men’s experiences of fathering sons: Encountering difference and disappointment. Unpublished doctoral thesis. University of KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa. Retrieved from https://researchspace.ukzn.ac.za/xmlui/bitstream/handle/10413/13939/Pluke_Robert_Hay_2014.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y



Umemura, T., Jacobvitz, D., Messina, S., & Hazen, N. (2013). Do toddlers prefer the primary caregiver or the parent with whom they feel more secure? The role of toddler emotion. Infant Behavior and Development 36(1), 102-114.

I often hear two related ideas about adults' screen usage around children. Sometimes the parent asking the question guiltily confesses to using screens around their children more than they would like, and to using screens as a momentary escape from the demands of parenting.

Or the parent asking the question feels that they have found a sense of balance in their own screen usage, but worries about their partner who frequently ignores their child because they're so focused on a screen.

In this episode we interview a luminary in the field of research related to children and screen usage: Dr. Jenny Radesky, who is a Developmental Behavioral Pediatrician and Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Michigan Medical School.  Her research interests include the use of mobile technology by parents and young children, and how this relates to child self-regulation and parent-child interaction, and she was the lead author of the 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics policy statement on digital media use in early childhood.

We'll learn whether you should be worried about Technoference, and some judgement-free steps you can take to navigate your (or your partner's) screen usage around your child.


Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.

Click the banner to learn more.







Jump to highlights

08:16 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Jenny Radesky

08:38 What technoference and fubbing mean, and how they're related

21:17 How parents describe their own ambivalence toward their phones

32:19 How children describe noticing a parent's divided attention

34:48 A word-learning study: what a brief interruption costs a child

40:38 A nuance from Australian research: some technoference isn't harmful

48:32 Practical starting points: noticing your own habits first

55:29 What to do when it's a partner's phone use, not your own



References

Al-Saggaf, Y., & O’Donnell, S.B. (2019). Phubbing: Perceptions, reasons behind, predictors, and impacts. Human Behavior & Emerging Technology 1, 132-140.



Christensen, T.H. (2009). ‘Connected presence’ in distributed family life. New Media & Society 11(3), 433-451.



Desrochers, S., Hilton, J.M., & Larwood, L. (2005). Preliminary validation of the work-family integration blurring scale. Journal of Family Issues 26(4), 442-466.



Elias, N., Lemish, D., Dalyot, S., & Floegel, D. (2020). “Where are you?” An observational exploration of parental technoference in public places in the U.S. and Israel. Journal of Children and Media (Online first).



Gramm, M.M., Vollmer, R.L., Harpel, T.S., McDaniel, B., & Schumacher, J. (2019). Relationship between parent distraction with technology at mealtimes and child eating behavior: A pilot study. Journal of Technology in Behavioral Science 5(1), 15-19.



Hinkier, A., Sobel, K., Suh, H., Sung, Y-C., Lee, C.P., & Kientz, J.A. (2015). Proceedings of the 33rd annual ACM conference on human factors in computing systems (p.727-736.



Hong, W., Liu, R-D., Ding, Y., Oei, T.P., Zhen, R., & Jiang, S. (2019). Parents’ phubbing and problematic mobile phone use: The roles of the parent-child relationship and children’s self-esteem. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 22(12), 779-786.



Kelly, K.R., & Ocular, G. (2020). Family smartphone practices and parent-child conversations during informal science learning at an aquarium. Journal of Technology in Behavioral Science 1-10.



Lemish, D., Elias, N, & Floegel, D. (2020). “Look at me!” Parental use of mobile phones at the playground. Mobile Media & Communication 8(2), 170-187.



Mangan, E., Leavy, J., & Jancey, J. (2017). Mobile device use when caring for children 0-5 years: A naturalistic playground study. Health Promotion Journal of Australia 29, 337-343.



McDaniel, B.T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily technology interruptions and emotional and relational well-being. Computers in Human Behavior 99, 1-8.



McDaniel, B.T., Galovan, A.M., Cravens, J.D., & Drouin, M. (2018). “Technoference” and implications for mothers’ and fathers’ couple and coparenting relationship quality. Computers in Human Behavior 80, 303-313.



McDaniel, B.T., & Radesky, J.S. (2017). Technoference: Longitudinal associations between parent technology use, parenting stress, and child behavior problems. Pediatric Research 84(2), 210-218.



Misra, S., Cheng, L., Genvie, J., & Yuan, M. (2014). The iPhone effect: The quality of in-person social interactions in the presence of mobile devices. Environment and Behavior 48(2), 275-298.



Modecki, K.L., Low-Choy, S., Uink, B.N., Vernon, L., Correia, H., & Andrews, K. (2020). Tuning into the real effect of smartphone use on parenting: A multiverse analysis. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 61(8), 855-865.



Myruski, S., Gulyayeva, O., Birk, S., Perez-Edgar, K., Buss, K.A., & Dennis-Tiwary, T.A. (2018). Developmental Science 21(4), e12610.



Newsham, G., Drouin, M., & McDaniel, B.T. (2020). Problematic phone use, depression, and technology interference among mothers. Psychology of Popular Media 9(2), 117-124.



Niu, G., Yao, L., Wu, L., Tian, Y., Xu, L., & Sun, X. (2020). Parental phubbing and adolescent problematic mobile phone use: The role of parent-child relationship and self-control. Children and Youth Services Review 116, 105247.



Pancani, L., Gerosa, T., Gui, M., & Riva, P. (2020). “Mom, dad, look at me”: The development of the Parental Phubbing Scale. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0265407520964866.



Perez, S. (2012, August 27). One-Third of U.S. moms own connected devices, 97% of ipad moms shopped from their tablet last month. Retrieved from https://techcrunch.com/2012/08/27/report-one-third-of- u-s-moms-own-connected-devices-97-of-ipad-moms-shopped-from- their-tablet-last-month/



Radesky, J., Leung, C., Appugliese, D., Miller, A.L., Lumeng, J., & Rosenblum, K.L. (2018). Maternal mental representations of the child and mobile phone use during parent-child mealtimes. Journal of Developmental Behavioral Pediatrics 39(4), 310-317.



Radesky, J.S., Kistin, C., Eisenberg, S., Gross, J., Block, G., Zuckerman, B., & Silverstein, M. (2016). Parent perspectives on their mobile technology use: The excitement and exhaustion of parenting while connected. Pediatrics 37(9), 694-701.



Radesky, J., Miller, A.L, Rosenblum, K.L., Appugliese, D., Kaciroti, N., & Lumeng, J. (2014). Maternal mobile device use during a structured parent-child interaction task. Academic Pediatrics 15(2), 238-244.



Radesky, J., Kistin, C.J., Zuckerman, B., Nitzberg, K., Gross, J., Kaplan-Sanoff, M., Augustyn, M., & Silverstein, M. (2014). Patterns of mobile device use by caregivers and children during meals in fast food restaurants. Pediatrics 133(4), e843-e849.



Reed, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R.M. (2017). Learning on hold: Cell phones sidetrack parent-child interactions. Developmental Psychology 53(8), 1428-1436.



Sagioglou, C., & Greitmeyer, T. (2014). Facebook’s emotional consequences: Why Facebook causes a decrease in mood and why people still use it. Computers in Human Behavior 35, 359-363.



Turvill, A., Fiso, D., & Parker, E. (2019). Early childhood technoference threat is predicted by authoritative parenting, but not parental knowledge of digital risks.



Wong, R.S., Tung, K.T.S., Rao, B., Leung, C., Hui, A.N.N., Tso, W.W.Y., Fu, K-W., Jiang, F., Zhao, J., & Ip, P. (2020). Parent technology use, parent-child interaction, child screen time, and child psychological problems among disadvantaged families. The Journal of Pediatrics. Online first.



Xie, X., & Xie, J. (2020). Parental phubbing accelerates depression in late childhood and adolescence: A two-path model. Journal of Adolescence 78, 43-52.



Xie, X., Chen, W., Zhu, X., & He, D. (2019). Parents’ phubbing increases adolescents’ mobile phone addiction: Roles of parent-child attachment, deviant peers, and gender. Children and Youth Services Review 105, 104426.



Yuan, N., Weeks, H.M., Ball, R., Newman, M.W., Chung, Y-J., & Radesky, J.S. (2019). How much do parents actually use their smartphones? Pilot study comparing self-report to passive sensing. Pediatric Research 86(4), 416-418.

When my daughter Carys was 10, she started a pet-sitting business. She opened a Roth IRA with the income, built a client base of dog walkers and cat owners in our neighborhood, and figured out a system for remembering security codes only after a couple of alarms went off by accident.



This episode is about that decision. Skills needed for entrepreneurship come from real clients and real consequences. A kid learns to be reliable because someone is counting on her. She learns to communicate clearly, and to recognize her own capacity before she hits the edge of it. That kind of learning comes from a parent who knows the difference between sage on the stage and guide on the side. I talk through what that looked like week to week: the systems Carys built on her own and the boundary she set with a client who wanted an early morning walk. I also discussed the lessons on money that came from managing income. If you've wondered how to raise entrepreneurs without turning it into your own project, this one is for you.


Questions this episode will answer

What skills does a child develop through entrepreneurship? Kids build reliability, organization, client communication, and the ability to recognize their own limits before they hit them. All of it develops through the pressure of real clients depending on them.



How do you raise a child to think like an entrepreneur? Step back and ask questions instead of giving answers. Let a manageable mistake happen. A child develops judgment by using it, through real experiences.



What are the benefits of entrepreneurship for kids? Beyond income, kids build boundary-setting, financial literacy, and confidence that carries into other parts of their life, including schoolwork and how they talk with adults outside the family.



How do you teach a child financial responsibility? Let business income lead to real decisions about saving and giving some of it away. A custodial Roth IRA becomes possible once a child has earned income of her own, and that account can grow for decades.



How do you encourage entrepreneurship in a child who hasn't shown interest yet? Start with what they already gravitate toward. Interest usually shows up before ambition does, and a child is far more likely to follow through on an idea that grew out of something they already care about.



What does an entrepreneurial mindset look like in a young child? It looks like a kid solving a problem because she cares about the outcome. That mindset shows up in the systems kids build for themselves. It also shows up when a client asks for more than a kid wants to give, and she says so.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why starting young gives kids a different relationship with failure than starting as a teenager or adult
How a 10-year-old built her own system for managing client information, without being taught to
What it looks like to teach entrepreneurship by asking questions instead of giving answers
The specific signs that tell a parent when to step in and when to let a struggle continue
How a custodial Roth IRA works, and why business income is what makes one possible for a child
Why a child setting her own boundaries with a paying client is not the same as being difficult
How entrepreneurship connects to skills most parents are already trying to teach through chores and consequences, and why it works differently



Knowing when to help and when to step back is a skill

You already have the instinct to support your child's curiosity. What the Learning Membership adds is the skill of knowing exactly when to step in and when to hold back, so you're helping your child solve their own problems instead of solving them for her.



That's the whole method: see where your child is stuck and offer the smallest nudge that gets them moving again. It's grounded in real research on how learning happens. Practice it long enough, and it becomes second nature.



When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it.



Enrollment is open until August 26.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:58 Introduction to today’s episode

06:33 When children take on entrepreneurial responsibilities early, they naturally develop the ability to manage their own school preparation and daily organization instead of relying on parents to remember everything for them

13:51 Reliability isn't some complex trait; it's simply the practice of consistently following through on commitments, and children learn this best when they face real but age-appropriate consequences for their choices

19:45 What kinds of businesses actually work for kids aged 8-12 years old?

25:01 The need to save for retirement reflects a broken system where community care has been replaced by individual financial responsibility, but teaching children some skills gives them the option to choose meaningful work over desperate survival while contributing to rebuilding more caring communities

33:45 Common concerns or issues parents express when they learn about a 10-year-old running their own business

50:10 If the idea of starting a business sounds interesting to you, where do you begin?

54:02 An open invitation for Mind Your Business: For Kids

54:52 Wrapping up