Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, what is AI good for? And where can it potentially cause damage?
Here, Jason and I go point-for-point — one way AI can support your love life, one way it can harm it — and get into the nuances most people aren't talking about.
We cover what AI is actually good for: crafting the message you can feel but can't quite say; getting unstuck when you're in your head at midnight; brainstorming date ideas that generate real dopamine for the couple; handling the "shit work" of logistics so you can show up more present.
We share the real story of one client whose fight with his wife got a little unstuck through an unexpected AI assist — and the "family assistant" moment that changed everything for a friend struggling to ask for help.
We also delve into in which ways AI can be like emotional porn; what MIT research shows about how heavy AI use impacts mental health and relationships; and why people literally grieved when OpenAI turned down the sycophancy dial.
The deepest cut? AI has no needs. It will never trigger you, never require repair, never push back. And if you spend enough time in that dynamic... you might start to forget that friction is what actually creates intimacy. But real negotiation between two different humans — that's not the obstacle to love. That IS love.
If you're curious about AI and want to use it wisely — without letting it quietly erode the very capacities that make you magnetic — this one's for you.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"There's a risk she's gonna figure it out."
"What's our agreement or understanding about AI in our relationship?"
"You've got to make sure you're working it, and it's not working you."
"AI can give us the fake sugar version of relationship."
"It doesn't have any needs. It doesn't have any triggers. There's no need to negotiate."
"The friction of relationship is what we learn to work — and it's what makes it meaningful."
"Get really good at friction. If you can be the one in the room who can hang in conflict — that is only going to become more valuable."
"It can be part of your team. It can't be your whole team."
"Safety and trust is built in person with human beings — and most of what we're gauging is how they are being with us, not what they are saying."

"Is this in my head, or is this real?"
Millions of women ask themselves this question -- about their sleep, their mood, their body suddenly working differently than it used to. They can't tell if they can't sleep as well as they used to because they've got two young children ... or whether it's perimenopause.
If you want to be an awesome partner (either now or in the future), listen on! This is the hormonal literacy class you never got that could help with everything.
Here I sit down with Morgan Miller, midwife and co-author of The Cycle Book (with her best friend, sex therapist Laura Federico), to decode what's actually happening in a woman's body as she's in different phases.
We go deep on perimenopause: sleep disruption, night sweats, heart palpitations, ER scares no one warns you about; the anxiety and PMDD that can be a hormonal sensitivity, not an imbalance. There's also the easy, often-missed fix for vaginal dryness, recurrent UTIs, and painful sex (a targeted topical instead of antibiotics).
We also cover why a single blood draw is just "her estrogen at 2pm on a Tuesday" — and why tracking biomarkers (which is actually pretty simple) over a few cycles tells you a LOT more.
Plus a stat that floored me: period-tracking apps are only ~20% accurate at predicting ovulation — wrong roughly 80% of the time.
If your woman has ever been told "everything's fine" while her body said otherwise, and you've felt helpless watching it — this one's for you.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
The Love Field: Hot Love Summer → www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
The Cycle Book: An Interactive Step-by-Step Guide to Tracking Hormones and Knowing Your Body by Laura Federico, LCSW & Morgan Miller, CPM, LM
Work with Morgan & Laura (virtual; they also train providers): www.itslauraandmorgan.com
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"I feel loved when the men in my life know things about a woman's body."
"Men have a 24-hour cycle, too."
"Vaginas are so smart — they're self-cleaning systems."
"Don't get pigeonholed into the algorithms; you're not every human."
"It's like learning a new language. Once you learn it, you can't unlearn it."
"Is this my body adjusting? Is this my body asking for support? Or should I be getting a divorce?"
"There's no amount of hormones you can pump your body full of that's going to make your libido crank up if you're not into it."
"We are patient zero. We are figuring this out for ourselves."

A 2022 dating survey showed that a whopping 69% of American men say that fear of being labeled "creepy" impacts how they interact with women. And 44% said it diminishes how much they interact with women at all, romantically or otherwise.
In other words, the fear of being creepy can hold you back from all connection with women, not just in the realm of dating/relationships.
But let's talk about sex and dating for a moment. The cruel irony is that this kind of fear usually means you've got a good heart — but left unchecked, it can make you shrink, go invisible, and tuck your sexuality away entirely ... which kills polarity.
Here, Jason and I count down the top 3 ways to make sure you're NOT coming off as creepy. We get practical as well as emotional. I share the "library story" I still think about; Jason gets honest about the years he spent frozen and numb — and we get into why whoever is breathing more deeply in the room ... is holding alpha.
We also share the simple thing you can say out loud that turns an awkward, high-stakes context with a woman into one where she actually feels safe enough to say yes — including the exact line that helped one man ask out a longtime friend and land in the healthiest relationship either of them had ever had.
plus a breakthrough that took one client from scared-and-small to making out outside a restaurant with a woman he thought was "out of his league" — plus the married man who finally said six words to his wife he'd never dared say in their whole marriage, and how she responded.
Whether you've frozen, over-corrected, or held your fire because you were terrified of being "that guy" — single or married — this one's for you. You can move beyond creepy and reclaim this part of yourself ... and everyone benefits when you do.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"'Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.'"
"There's an inverse relationship between safety and creepy."
"Head evokes head, heart evokes heart, body evokes body."
"And she said, 'It's not that I don't want that — it's not like this, right now.'"
"The problem isn't always the context — it's whether you set a container and can speak to it."
"There's nothing wrong with our sexuality. It's what we do with it."
"Whether you say yes or no, I'm going to be okay."
"'I find it really hot when you wear a short skirt and boots!'"
"Shame is healed in community."

Who doesn't have trust issues? Let's be real.
Whether it shows up as "I don't trust her to handle my anger," or "I'm afraid I'll just be treated like an ATM" or, "I can't relax until I know the person really, really well," — almost all of carry some version of trust concerns into our dating and relationships.
Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lange and I do something we don't often get to: We put our worlds side by side. I work primarily with men who are attracted to women; she works primarily with women who are attractd to men.
Here we map out the top 3 trust issues we see in our clients -- in other words, how trust issues show up differently across men and women that are attracted to the opposite sex. And, encouragingly, we outline how the path to healing them is remarkably similar.
We also get practical about the 3 things required to actually rebuild trust — and none of them is blind trust. As Violet puts it, the goal isn't to trust everyone; it's to trust trustable people, and to feel good about staying closed when you need to.
If you want the relationship but dread the dating part; if you're tired of being on dating apps; if you keep wondering "why do I keep ending up here?" — this one's for you. Trust can be repaired. People come, they grow, they flourish.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — Violet's and my new 3-month program (constellations, embodiment, polarity, and the brave conversations we were never taught to have,). Starts June 18th; early bird ends Monday, June 8th. Enroll at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
Documentary: The Mask You Live In — on how our culture socializes boys and men; this is a great way to open dialogue if you have a young man in your life
DM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships — on reclaiming a healthy relationship to the masculine after being bullied as a kid, teen, or adult
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"I'm so sick of being on the apps."
"I feel like I can't have sex with someone until I know them really, really, really well."
"We feel unsafe to be in our bodies."
"Wow, that was really healing to experience something different."
"The concern is: In my most vulnerable moments, I will be left."
"Women fear, 'I won't be chosen.'"
"I've been loyal to myself throughout."
"I'm not afraid to start over."
"A lot of it is about recognizing the patterns that we've inherited."
"Now I feel a little more relaxed in my body, so that I can be open to men that are safe for me."
"I want the relationships but I don't really want to go through the dating part."

You love your partner. You're committed. But the sex has slowed to a trickle — once a month, once every six months, maybe not in years — and you're starting to wonder: "Is this just what long-term partnership is?"
No -- it doesn't have to be. Unfortunately, if this is happening and you're feeling lonely in your marriage, you're not alone. And it can be hard to know what to do; millions of men feel ill-equipped to address the issue because either a) whenever they do, it becomes a fight; or b) they're scared of coming off as demanding or a jerk.
Here, Jason and I count down the 5 root causes we see most often behind sexless relationships, ranked from least to most common, drawing on our work with hundreds of men.
We cover how much changes when you have kids (including the partner that just can't relax when the kids are in the house); resentment and quiet breaches of trust; mental load; what kind of sex actually feels good for women; and how to engage on the topic skillfully. As Jason says: “Neither men nor women do well when sex is connected to pressure.”
We also share story after story of men whose "spines got straighter," who stopped using sex to discharge stress, and whose wives initiated for the first time in a decade!
If you've been the higher-desire partner wondering, "Is this just how it is now?" -- this one's for you. It can come back online, and when it does, it's often even more glorious than ever.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
The Love Field -- our new co-gendered course www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this
My streaming course Please Her In Bed — which includes how a man can lead sexual communication (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
DM 172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer)
DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain -- episode with my friend Z, who took a Tantra course and went on her own journey of sexual healing within her marriage
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
“Instead of being on the same team, suddenly we’re against each other.”
“This is the challenge most couples aren’t prepared for.”
"'I enjoyed that he enjoyed it.' ... That's not the same thing as, 'I enjoyed it.'"
“How do we actually create desire in the relationship? That's polarity.”
"If there are unresolved tensions between the two of you, there's no room for erotic tension."
"'My wife initiated with me for the first time in, I swear to God, a decade.'"
“After retreat these guys are CHARGED UP with masculine energy.”
“Spending deep, quality time with other men is a big part of this.”
“‘I want you to take me!’”
"It can change."
"Good sex is like lubricant for the relationship itself."