Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

A 2022 dating survey showed that a whopping 69% of American men say that fear of being labeled "creepy" impacts how they interact with women. And 44% said it diminishes how much they interact with women at all, romantically or otherwise.
In other words, the fear of being creepy can hold you back from all connection with women, not just in the realm of dating/relationships.
But let's talk about sex and dating for a moment. The cruel irony is that this kind of fear usually means you've got a good heart — but left unchecked, it can make you shrink, go invisible, and tuck your sexuality away entirely ... which kills polarity.
Here, Jason and I count down the top 3 ways to make sure you're NOT coming off as creepy. We get practical as well as emotional. I share the "library story" I still think about; Jason gets honest about the years he spent frozen and numb — and we get into why whoever is breathing more deeply in the room ... is holding alpha.
We also share the simple thing you can say out loud that turns an awkward, high-stakes context with a woman into one where she actually feels safe enough to say yes — including the exact line that helped one man ask out a longtime friend and land in the healthiest relationship either of them had ever had.
plus a breakthrough that took one client from scared-and-small to making out outside a restaurant with a woman he thought was "out of his league" — plus the married man who finally said six words to his wife he'd never dared say in their whole marriage, and how she responded.
Whether you've frozen, over-corrected, or held your fire because you were terrified of being "that guy" — single or married — this one's for you. You can move beyond creepy and reclaim this part of yourself ... and everyone benefits when you do.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"'Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.'"
"There's an inverse relationship between safety and creepy."
"Head evokes head, heart evokes heart, body evokes body."
"And she said, 'It's not that I don't want that — it's not like this, right now.'"
"The problem isn't always the context — it's whether you set a container and can speak to it."
"There's nothing wrong with our sexuality. It's what we do with it."
"Whether you say yes or no, I'm going to be okay."
"'I find it really hot when you wear a short skirt and boots!'"
"Shame is healed in community."

Who doesn't have trust issues? Let's be real.
Whether it shows up as "I don't trust her to handle my anger," or "I'm afraid I'll just be treated like an ATM" or, "I can't relax until I know the person really, really well," — almost all of carry some version of trust concerns into our dating and relationships.
Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lange and I do something we don't often get to: We put our worlds side by side. I work primarily with men who are attracted to women; she works primarily with women who are attractd to men.
Here we map out the top 3 trust issues we see in our clients -- in other words, how trust issues show up differently across men and women that are attracted to the opposite sex. And, encouragingly, we outline how the path to healing them is remarkably similar.
We also get practical about the 3 things required to actually rebuild trust — and none of them is blind trust. As Violet puts it, the goal isn't to trust everyone; it's to trust trustable people, and to feel good about staying closed when you need to.
If you want the relationship but dread the dating part; if you're tired of being on dating apps; if you keep wondering "why do I keep ending up here?" — this one's for you. Trust can be repaired. People come, they grow, they flourish.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — Violet's and my new 3-month program (constellations, embodiment, polarity, and the brave conversations we were never taught to have,). Starts June 18th; early bird ends Monday, June 8th. Enroll at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
Documentary: The Mask You Live In — on how our culture socializes boys and men; this is a great way to open dialogue if you have a young man in your life
DM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships — on reclaiming a healthy relationship to the masculine after being bullied as a kid, teen, or adult
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"I'm so sick of being on the apps."
"I feel like I can't have sex with someone until I know them really, really, really well."
"We feel unsafe to be in our bodies."
"Wow, that was really healing to experience something different."
"The concern is: In my most vulnerable moments, I will be left."
"Women fear, 'I won't be chosen.'"
"I've been loyal to myself throughout."
"I'm not afraid to start over."
"A lot of it is about recognizing the patterns that we've inherited."
"Now I feel a little more relaxed in my body, so that I can be open to men that are safe for me."
"I want the relationships but I don't really want to go through the dating part."

You love your partner. You're committed. But the sex has slowed to a trickle — once a month, once every six months, maybe not in years — and you're starting to wonder: "Is this just what long-term partnership is?"
No -- it doesn't have to be. Unfortunately, if this is happening and you're feeling lonely in your marriage, you're not alone. And it can be hard to know what to do; millions of men feel ill-equipped to address the issue because either a) whenever they do, it becomes a fight; or b) they're scared of coming off as demanding or a jerk.
Here, Jason and I count down the 5 root causes we see most often behind sexless relationships, ranked from least to most common, drawing on our work with hundreds of men.
We cover how much changes when you have kids (including the partner that just can't relax when the kids are in the house); resentment and quiet breaches of trust; mental load; what kind of sex actually feels good for women; and how to engage on the topic skillfully. As Jason says: “Neither men nor women do well when sex is connected to pressure.”
We also share story after story of men whose "spines got straighter," who stopped using sex to discharge stress, and whose wives initiated for the first time in a decade!
If you've been the higher-desire partner wondering, "Is this just how it is now?" -- this one's for you. It can come back online, and when it does, it's often even more glorious than ever.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
The Love Field -- our new co-gendered course www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this
My streaming course Please Her In Bed — which includes how a man can lead sexual communication (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
DM 172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer)
DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain -- episode with my friend Z, who took a Tantra course and went on her own journey of sexual healing within her marriage
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
“Instead of being on the same team, suddenly we’re against each other.”
“This is the challenge most couples aren’t prepared for.”
"'I enjoyed that he enjoyed it.' ... That's not the same thing as, 'I enjoyed it.'"
“How do we actually create desire in the relationship? That's polarity.”
"If there are unresolved tensions between the two of you, there's no room for erotic tension."
"'My wife initiated with me for the first time in, I swear to God, a decade.'"
“After retreat these guys are CHARGED UP with masculine energy.”
“Spending deep, quality time with other men is a big part of this.”
“‘I want you to take me!’”
"It can change."
"Good sex is like lubricant for the relationship itself."

Ever been told you're a "great guy!" but she's "just not feeling it"? Or felt like you're endlessly chasing women but never being pursued yourself?
Here, we dig into what's actually happening when women consistently report not feeling attracted to you -- and what you can do about it.
The truth is, attraction only has a little to do with what you look like physically. For example, one client came into our program good-looking by every conventional standard: broad shoulders, nice body, the whole thing.
But he wasn't having success with women. He was frustrated and stuck. He felt like if he kept going in the same vein, he'd never get the partnership he craved. In this episode we reveal how he got to a breakthrough; after 8-10 weeks of doing what we talk about ... he was being chased for the first time in his life.
Plus, Jason shares a personal story — a date that fizzled, a year of doing the men's work, and then reconnecting with the same woman and completely changing the dynamic -- including having sexy time! Not because he looked different. Because he showed up differently.
Spoiler: "A man's looks account for 20% of attraction. The consciousness that animates a man is 80% of it." And the good news — that 80% is workable.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"If I'm in the friend zone with a woman, can I change it?"
"I would freeze when it would be time to bring attraction forward."
"We know pretty fast whether we're interested in someone."
"There are a lot of guys that know they were attracted to a woman they're friends with from the moment they met."
"Rejection wears you down."
"I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I'm going to hold that back."
"We ended up changing it to a sexual relationship."
"By being direct, you're leading."
"I can't always tell whether I'm attracted to a man until he comes towards me."
"You're just the same man with a nicer car."
"I'd never had a woman chase me before."

You know the feeling. You've been holding a vision — for the partner, the family, the sex life you actually want — for months. Maybe years. Maybe decades. And it's still not here.
And underneath the longing, there's a quieter, scarier question: Is there something wrong with me that it hasn't happened yet?
Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lang and I have an honest conversation about what it actually takes to hold a long-term vision without collapsing or giving up. We speak vulnerably from experiences in our own lives, as well as the lives of hundreds of clients with whom we've worked.
Violet walks us through her fertility journey (including two devastating miscarriages, failed IVF, and ultimately the path of donor embryo) — which she never would have chosen without being brought to her knees first. She also shares her journey from dissociating during sex and fearing that maybe she was broken — to a genuinely thriving sex life.
I share my own stretch — over a year of unstable housing while trying to co-found a group house, watching teams fall apart, deals fall through, and feeling a good amount of despair. And my 10-year vision of a conscious romantic partner that's still unfolding.
We dig into what actually moves the needle; why the closer you get, the harder it sometimes feels; what Violet calls "initiation" — and why you cannot do this alone.
Plus, a client story: a woman who, 8 years post-divorce, went on barely 2-3 dates and completely shut down after a shady situation. And then, within a few months of doing the work, met her partner at a coffee shop when he held the door open for her. They've been together since 2017.
And a note for the men listening: conscious men who do personal growth work stand out! There are fewer of you than you think, and it matters.
If you've been working toward something for a long time and the question keeps arising — is this ever gonna happen for me? — this one's for you.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
Violet's summer group program, with which I'm involved: The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — 12 weeks of shadow work (constellations), polarity practice, embodiment, and live dares. Open to men, women, non-binary folks, singles and couples. Starting June. Enrollment open now at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? -- Violet covers the jade egg and other modalities that can help a woman overcome sexual trauma and go from not wanting sex to feeling back in her sexy, radiant power (whether she's partnered or not)
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"I had never masturbated until I was 27."
“I had to decide whether I was going to lean in and keep going, or give up.”
“When I was trying to find my beloved, I was with someone who looked great on paper, but who wasn’t right.”
"Your past doesn't have to dictate your future — but you have to call yourself in."
"The longings on our hearts are sacred."
"Love is an art, and it's meant to be practiced."
“I had to give myself permission to have crazy-ass fantasies!”
“When I invest in what I want, big shifts happen.”
“There’s something that is calling me forward.”