Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

You know the feeling. You've been holding a vision — for the partner, the family, the sex life you actually want — for months. Maybe years. Maybe decades. And it's still not here.
And underneath the longing, there's a quieter, scarier question: Is there something wrong with me that it hasn't happened yet?
Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lang and I have an honest conversation about what it actually takes to hold a long-term vision without collapsing or giving up. We speak vulnerably from experiences in our own lives, as well as the lives of hundreds of clients with whom we've worked.
Violet walks us through her fertility journey (including two devastating miscarriages, failed IVF, and ultimately the path of donor embryo) — which she never would have chosen without being brought to her knees first. She also shares her journey from dissociating during sex and fearing that maybe she was broken — to a genuinely thriving sex life.
I share my own stretch — over a year of unstable housing while trying to co-found a group house, watching teams fall apart, deals fall through, and feeling a good amount of despair. And my 10-year vision of a conscious romantic partner that's still unfolding.
We dig into what actually moves the needle; why the closer you get, the harder it sometimes feels; what Violet calls "initiation" — and why you cannot do this alone.
Plus, a client story: a woman who, 8 years post-divorce, went on barely 2-3 dates and completely shut down after a shady situation. And then, within a few months of doing the work, met her partner at a coffee shop when he held the door open for her. They've been together since 2017.
And a note for the men listening: conscious men who do personal growth work stand out! There are fewer of you than you think, and it matters.
If you've been working toward something for a long time and the question keeps arising — is this ever gonna happen for me? — this one's for you.
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Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:
Violet's summer group program, with which I'm involved: The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — 12 weeks of shadow work (constellations), polarity practice, embodiment, and live dares. Open to men, women, non-binary folks, singles and couples. Starting June. Enrollment open now at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? -- Violet covers the jade egg and other modalities that can help a woman overcome sexual trauma and go from not wanting sex to feeling back in her sexy, radiant power (whether she's partnered or not)
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Memorable quotes from this episode:
"I had never masturbated until I was 27."
“I had to decide whether I was going to lean in and keep going, or give up.”
“When I was trying to find my beloved, I was with someone who looked great on paper, but who wasn’t right.”
"Your past doesn't have to dictate your future — but you have to call yourself in."
"The longings on our hearts are sacred."
"Love is an art, and it's meant to be practiced."
“I had to give myself permission to have crazy-ass fantasies!”
“When I invest in what I want, big shifts happen.”
“There’s something that is calling me forward.”

She used to want it. Now she doesn't. And you're not sure if it's you, the kids, the stress — or something that's quietly shifted inside her.
A lot of the time, it's her hormones. Specifically, perimenopause or menopause.
Here's what most people don't know: perimenopause doesn't start at 45 years old. Dr. Debra Durst — an MD who left traditional medicine to specialize in hormone optimization and sexual wellness — is seeing it in women in their 30s, and sometimes even their 20s.
And the first hormones to drop aren't estrogen -- they're progesterone and testosterone. Which means your partner may be dealing with sleep disruption, anxiety, a shorter fuse, brain fog, low libido, and body composition changes — while her doctor keeps saying her labs look "normal."
Here, Dr. Durst breaks down what perimenopause actually is (it can last a decade or more), why most gynecologists aren't trained to address it, and what comprehensive hormone optimization actually looks like. We get into why testosterone is, surprisingly, the most abundant hormone circulating in a woman's body — and what happens to a couple's sex life when it's properly restored (hint: sometimes you're back to doing it twice a day!).
Plus, we talk about solutions to dryness. There are now cutting-edge tissue regeneration treatments — laser rejuvenation and PRP O-Shots — that can bring arousal, sensitivity, and orgasmic strength back after menopause causes physical changes. And we talk about why Dr. Durst's office coined the phrase "no man left behind" — because when a woman gets optimized, her husband sometimes can't keep up. ;)
If your partner has gone quiet in the bedroom and you don't know why — or she's been told everything looks fine but something clearly isn't — this one's for you. And if she's listening: this one's for you, too.
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Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:
Dr. Debra Durst's practice: RevitalizeMD — https://www.revitalyzemd.com — also does remote consultations
SexMD Podcast and Dr. Debra Durst on YouTube
A4M (Anti-Aging Academy) provider directory: A4M.com — search by zip code to find a hormone specialist near you
O-Shot and P-Shot official provider directories (oshot.info/members/directory/; https://pshot.info/homepage/)
GAINSWave provider network — for men's sexual wellness (https://gainswave.com/directory/)
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Memorable quotes from this episode:
"If you don't feel like yourself, then you need to start thinking hormones."
"Progesterone is your feel-good hormone — sleep and mood, if I was to simplify it."
"Leaving problems unaddressed is not sustainable for couples."
"These women get tearful because it's the first time they felt like they actually were listened to."
"When we get you optimized, he won't be able to keep up."
"No man left behind."
"A lot of men will say, 'I didn't know I had an issue until you optimized her.'"
"Women on testosterone — it is life-changing."
"Sex does not have to be different if you don't want it to be."
"I want my life back. My sex life back."

It’s one of the top questions in Dr. Kelly’s men’s health practice. 
And it’s not just coming from older men — it’s guys in their 20s and 30s. We're talking 27-year-old chiseled Marine sergeants walking in saying, "I can't get motivated. I rarely wake up with erections anymore. I haven't had sex with my girlfriend in two weeks." And their buddies are reporting the same thing.
It's not all in their heads, either. According to Dr. Kelly, the average 22-year-old man today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old. 
And get this: This is a global trend.
Here, Dr. Kelly takes us through the data, including a 2025 meta-analysis of over a million men, which shows roughly a 50% drop in average T since the 1970s. We talk through what’s behind this insanely precipitous drop, as well as what a man can do about it. 
Plus, we cover why just reaching for a vial of testosterone isn't the move most men think it is. Spoiler: exogenous T can shut down your natural production, shrink your testicles, and tank your fertility.
We also get into a success story where a patient went from a testosterone level of 400 to 650 in just 12 weeks, and how he blew Kelly away with his transformation (or as she put it, “When he walked in it was like, ‘Who the f*** is this guy?”). Plus a frank word on what Western medicine has become, and the "free testosterone check" clinics she wants you to be careful of.
If you've ever wondered about your testosterone levels and whether they might be low, or your drive has quietly gone missing and you don't know why — this one's for you.
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Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:
Dr. Kelly Morgan's practice: morganmenshealth.com — free intro men's health webinar in May, 4-part series in June
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Memorable quotes from this episode:
"Your 22-year-old today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old in the 1970s."
"It's your get up and go anything. And it's your get up and get your dick up."
"There's actually no food in the grocery store anymore."
"We doctors have become body mechanics to the nth degree. We're not healers anymore. We are mechanics employed by large corporations."
"We're an I-want-it-now generation."
"These are all things all men can be doing on their own."
"Every aspect of your life improves when you have community."
"My libido's back!"
"Oh my god, my dick works again!"

You know the moment. She comes at you with heat — frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or just a lot — and something inside you freezes.
Maybe you start minimizing her experience ("It's not that bad"; "You're exaggerating"). Or you lawyer up ("Well but you also said ____" or "That's not what I meant; if you'd just listen while I explained..."). Or you look present, but you're not.
It's one of the most common patterns we see in hetero relationships. And the story we've been told about why it happens is mostly wrong.
Here, Jason and I dig into what's actually going on when her intensity floods you — and surprising research on this. For example, we still, as a culture, have a story that boys are "strong" and girls are "sensitive," but the Still Face Experiment found that baby boys are actually more emotionally reactive than baby girls, and more dependent on maternal attunement to come back to regulation.
Add in the fact that boys receive less comforting touch than girls — more functional, directive touch, less "I've got you" — and by the time you're a grown man, you often don't quite know what it feels like to be truly held. Which means you don't quite know how to hold her. Plus, the Gottman Institute has found that it actually takes a flooded man 20 minutes to come back into presence.
Then we get into what actually works. Spoiler: it's not white-knuckling your way through.
We also name something critical: none of this is about tolerating emotional abuse. If your partner's intensity is off the charts and the pattern never shifts no matter how present you get — it's time to listen to our episodes on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
If you've ever looked at your partner mid-conflict and thought I don't know what to do right now or This isn't working; it's just escalating— this one's for you.
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Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:
Our Generating Polarity in Dating! masterclass coming up on May 29th. Register at: www.melaniecurtin.com/masterclass
Our Borderline Personality Disorder episodes: 128 (start here), 313, 345, 354 & 373 (a 2-part series)
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"Receiving comfort is actually often a struggle for me."
"Sometimes the body is activated while the mind suppresses awareness of it."
"What are you grounding into?"
"It's better to tell her you can't be present right now than pretend like you can."
"'I'm flooded. I can't receive you the way I want to right now. I need a 20-minute timeout. And then I want to come back.'"
"It's not about becoming an invulnerable robot that can handle intensity forever."
"The more held you are, the more you can hold her."
"Investing in other men is the single best investment you can make in your life."
"It's like plugging into a source of clean energy you didn't even know was available."
"'I had never experienced safe love in that way before.'"

Has it always been clear to you where you fit into the world? -- what your purpose is, what you contribute, what your "worth" or "value" is, as a man.
If so, you're in the minority these days.
A modern young man has no official initiation into adulthood -- no rite of passage. So he often ends up "adrift on a sea of shame," as story weaver and healthy masculinity educator Djeli Celestia, puts it.
That line alone stopped me cold, because I've seen it so many times in the men I work with: They know what they don't want to be (i.e. like their dad), but no map for how to become who they do want to be. No elder handed them a compass. No ritual marked the threshold. And adrift youth frequently grow up into adrift adults — older, but still lost.
So what's the solution?
Here, healthy masculinity educators Scott and Djeli dig into what rites of passage actually are, why modern culture has nearly lost them, and what happens — to men, to relationships, to family systems — when they're missing. They also share about the beauty and possibility that opens up when we restore these relatively simple but powerful practices.
For example, Djeli shares his own personal story of taking his own son into the woods for a rite of passage at 18 — and what his son left behind with the trees. I'll let him tell you. But I will say: I was deeply moved.
If you're a man who has felt a certain kind of ache — the sense that something important was never handed to you — this one's for you. And if you're in the "sandwich generation," parenting below while navigating aging parents above, there's something in here about how the healing you do ripples in both directions.
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Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:
Scott & Djeli's organization, The Inspiring Men Project: https://improject.co/
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Memorable quotes from this episode:
“I had not entered into adulthood with any rites, and I brought with me a lot of anger.”
“I’m struggling to find love and passion and that kind of connection, so I’ll find it through pornography.”
"Who am I to guide anyone?"
“Initiation isn’t a moment; it’s a process.”
"There is a real closeness between the secret and the sacred."
“A lot of men think, 'I caused harm, but I don’t know how to do better.'”
"He forgave himself."
"It's not just about what he came back with. It's also about what he left there."
“We have to have that sense of where we belong in this web of life.”
"It's when we add wisdom to getting older that we become elders."
"How can I step up?"
“When we initiate action, we can invite in change.”