Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

She's successful. She's put together. She seems like she doesn't need anyone. So why does dating still feel impossible for her — and why does she seem so hard to get close to?
The men we work with are almost always intensely curious about what life is like on the "other side." What do single women contend with? What are their biggest dating, sex, and relationship challenges? Here, Violet breaks down 3 top issues frequently faced by single women — the ones most men never clock, because women have gotten so good at hiding them.
We get into why the most "together," successful women are often the most terrified of being seen, and what that has to do with whether she actually notices you making eye contact across the room.
We dig into the hot-and-cold thing — why it happens, why it almost never has anything to do with you, and why the woman across from you at dinner may be carrying more than she's ever said out loud.
And we unpack the unconscious dating pattern nearly every long-single woman is repeating without knowing it — the one Violet says she couldn't see either, until someone lovingly pointed it out.
Plus: the bar story about the guy who approached a whole circle of women, and what has changed in Violet's own marriage after over a decade together.
If you've ever felt like you couldn't figure out how to "get in" with a woman who seems to have it all together — or you're partnered with a woman who runs hot and cold — this one could fundamentally change how you see her.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
Love Harmonics (Violet's 6-week, $69 program on breaking unconscious dating patterns; open to all genders): [https://violetlange.com/loveharmonics/?affiliate_code=5b90a8]
Episode 153: Her Sexual Healing: How to Support Her and Get Your Needs Met (ft. Violet Lange)
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"The flower opens and the bee appears. Not, the bee comes by knocking on the door, and then the flower decides to open."
"I want to be seen for all of who I am, and not just in my need."
"It fucking works! It really works!"
"I now have soul-shaking sex with my husband... and we've been together 11 years."
"Your happily ever after starts with you — it's not up to fate, it's not up to some meet-cute. It's really an inside job."

Let's be real: Modern dating culture can suck. Between ghosting, confusion over when to have sex, the commodification of our love lives, and people throwing up old photos on Tinder, Feeld, or Bumble, it's not always clear how to make it work.
But Freya isn't playing by the rules anymore. Instead of sticking with the apps, which can leave both men and women feeling dejected, she's running a full-blown, 3-month public campaign to find a boyfriend ... and she's inviting her entire audience along for the ride.
What's equally as cool is that she's challenging herself on an essentially daily basis to approach men in the wild. We get all up into how this is going for her (how do you approach a guy at the grocery store? What if he's got headphones in? What if he's taken? How does she handle rejection?), and her strong and well-made points about how we could all "do" dating better.
We also dig into the wildest event she's said yes to (hint: 250 people were watching); what happened on her fourth lap around a park after 3 failed attempts to talk to a cute guy walking his dog; and why the little note cards she's been handing out to strangers might be the most old-school-meets-radical dating move going right now.
And a distinction we both come back to: the difference between dominating, being passive, and leading (and why "leading" is the one that actually works).
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
Find Freya a Fella (Freya's crowdsourced-boyfriend campaign): freyagraf.com
The Labia Lounge (Freya's podcast on sex and dating, for all genders)
The Man Cave (the org where Freya facilitates workshops for teenage boys on healthy masculinity, emotional literacy, boundaries, and consent)
---
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"This is not an empowering place to be that we find ourselves in."
"The bar is very low. It's very close to the ground."
"'No one's ever done that. Like, good on you.'"
"I literally massage vaginas for a living."
"That's basically a precursor to being in a relationship with a man who doesn't make effort."
"97% of women did not mention anything about how hard a man got, or how long he lasted. And 0% mentioned him having a six-pack."
"I want love, I love love, I'm not ashamed to admit it."
"Don't be afraid to write a note -- it's adorable."

"Is your dick going to be synced to porn?"
That's not hypothetical — it's already on the market. Here, intimacy expert Susan Bratton walks me through "weird" phenomena at the frontier of sex tech and AI, including synchronized strokers, tele-dildonics (I'll bet that's a word you've never come across before), role-player game (RPG) worlds where you can get down and dirty with an Aztec warrior woman, and adaptive AI that learns what gets you off and gives you more of it.
But where does this genuinely help? And where can it quietly wreck your dopamine system and/or real-world relationships? We delve into all of it, including the exact device suite that Susan and her boyfriend use for long-distance sex. Imagine being thousands of miles apart, still having synchronized orgasms on video. (I did not expect the "hard-boiled egg" comparison, but you'll get it once you hear it.)
Plus:
How a woman can regnerate her vaginal tissue (YES, this helps if she's dry after/during perimenopause/menopause)
The 96% statistic about what most porn is actually showing you
The ancient technique that separates orgasm from ejaculation
Why penis pumps are not the cheesy novelty you think they are

And a fundamental truth that Susan and I agree on: The best sex tech in the world means nothing without the communication skills underneath it. Plus what I consider the quote of the episode: "I want to live forever and fuck till I die!"
—
Come to the retreat!
As of this recording, we have 4 spots left for our Labor Day weekend retreat! Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hrs north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.
As one man says, "If you're thinking about going, you're already there."
https://evolutionary.men/retreat/
---
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
Drive Desire (Susan's full toy/device library): www.drivedesire.com
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"No one's ever given her these types of strokes before."
"They don't want you addicted to the yoni. They want you addicted to the screens."
"Your dick is a tongue, not a piston."
"You don't owe me an ejaculation."
"How's your hoo-ha doing?"
"When you are a turned-on woman or a turned-on man, you're turned on to life."
"Your sexual vitality and your vitality are two sides of the same coin."

“I was nervous as hell.”
So shares one of the men in this episode about how he felt stepping onto the land of our in-person retreat. In another's words, “I went into a panic because I’m having flashbacks of summer camp.”
What's it really like to do live men's work?
The truth is, most men that come to live retreats are intimidated in one way or another. Rates of bullying are astronomically high, and you don't always know what to expect. As another put it, “There’s a shared understanding of the brutality between men.” And, “When I was a boy, there was never any spiritual or deep, emotional holding by men in my life.”
But you can write -- and experience -- a different story. You can have a new experience of brotherhood ... and what that makes possible may be something you've never even considered.
In one man's words, “The dynamic within my whole family has changed.” Another said, “There’s now a level of connection now with my wife that I can’t even describe.”
If you'e ever felt like you didn't fit in as a kid, or you're just plain curious about how our retreat has impacted other men, listen on. There can be kind and loving experiences of masculine love.
---
Come to the retreat!
As of this recording, we have 4 spots left! It's over Labor Day weekend, Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hours north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.
Or as one man said, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”
https://evolutionary.men/retreat/
---
Work with us
Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.
To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
---
Memorable quotes from this episode:
"I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure I could.”
“I was deathly afraid to become a terrible father.”
“I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.”
“I realized — through all the work I’ve been doing, therapy, self-reflection, etc. — how much love I have for myself (finally).”
“If we’re gonna talk about this trauma, we might as well do it in the hot tub!”
“There was racism even within my own church.”
“I can accept other men’s unconditional love, and it helped me know how to provide unconditional love to other men.”
“I came into the first retreat a very tough nut to crack.”
“There is hope with change.”
“You’ll make friends.”
“Come for the food; stay for the healing.”
“You WILL experience a transformation.”
“Just get there.”

Have you ever felt like your woman was routinely frustrated, resentful, or annoyed with you? Like you can't get anything right, and then on top of that, when it comes to sex or physical intimacy, FORGET about it. Not happening.
If so, you may be contending with reverse polarity. This can happen in either direction, but we find that with our clients, it's illuminating to explore the flavor when a man is more in omega (his feminine) and a woman more in her alpha (her masculine).
Here, we delve into the different stages of relationship as they relate to polarity (original concept by author and thought leader David Deida.) We also get into what to DO about reverse polarity. How do you re-polarize a relationship if you haven't been very polarized lately?
The focus, as always, is how we can grow into sexier, more fulfilling relationships on both sides.
—
Come to the Retreat!
We've still got 7 spots left as of this episode dropping! Sept 3-7th, NorCal. www.evolutionary.men/retreat
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where it all happens. You can join anytime -- book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.
—
Mentioned on this episode:
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover