Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

They didn't hide who they were. They told you on the first date—it’s just that nobody ever gave you the dictionary to read it.

In this highlight from Kerry's weekly live Q&A, she walks through the language manipulative people use from the very beginning, drawing on Jenny Young's research into how dangerous people reveal themselves in their own words. She shares the first-date moment she now recognizes as the earliest warning sign, and a story she's never told before about the night one sentence ended her relationship: "I can't believe you'd think that of me."

In this episode, learn:
1. Why rules and non-negotiables before they even know you signal signs of high level of control
2. How "treat me right and I'll treat you like royalty" turns love into a ledger
3. The test-and-apologize tactic: pushing a boundary, then saying sorry to see how much you'll put up with
4. Why a simple question gets met with sudden hurt, and what that timing tells you
5. Three questions that reveal whether there's any room for you in the relationship

00:00 They aren't hiding who they are, they're managing it
02:12 Disciplinary directive: Jenny Young's #1 red flag
04:59 Conditional decency: kindness you have to earn
06:50 Listen to their metaphors
08:28 Test and apologize
10:57 The absence of you
13:32 3 questions to ask in a new relationship
14:07 Sudden woundedness: "I can't believe you'd think that of me"
16:14 Repair is where relationships deepen
18:01 Charm that arrives on cue
19:46 You thought you were both speaking English

#NarcissistRedFlags #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #RedFlagsInRelationships #DatingRedFlags #ManipulationTactics #DARVO #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #TraumaRecovery

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it?

When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening.

If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps.

https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey

Why does your voice disappear the moment you need it most?

Freezing isn’t weakness, and it isn’t going along with it. It’s your body making a survival decision faster than your thinking brain can.

In this episode, drawn from a recent live stream, Kerry explains what really happens inside the body and brain when you lock up under threat. Learn the six concrete steps to crack a freeze when it’s happening.

In this episode, learn:
1. Why your body acts before your brain can think
2. The difference between freezing and full collapse
3. Why you literally can’t speak in the moment, and how fear and shame form a “double lock” on your voice
4. Six steps to break a freeze

00:00 Why your body freezes when you're in danger

00:40 What freezing really feels like

02:02 Your amygdala acts before you can think

03:50 Why some of us freeze instead of fight

06:36 Freeze vs. collapse: a reflex, not a choice

09:27 I froze on my honeymoon

10:33 Why your voice disappears

12:36 Frozen in my marriage

13:47 How to break a freeze, step by step

17:27 The man with the knife

19:36 Can you train yourself out of a freeze?

20:56 The Cornell Seven: why even strong men freeze

#FreezeResponse #TraumaResponse #FightFlightFreezeFawn #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #SurvivalMode #FreezingIsNotConsent #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it?

When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening.

If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps.

https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey

Has someone you trusted ever put your life at risk, then acted like it was all in good fun?

In this episode, Kerry sits down with journalist, and former whitewater raft guide Melanie Hamlett to explore why so many men treat danger as entertainment. Together they unpack how male conditioning strips away empathy and why ego and adrenaline override common sense. They also examine why so many women are taught to trust a confident man over their own intuition, even when lives are on the line.

WANT TO GO DEEPER?

In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Mel get honest about the hardest part of healing: owning the ways we vouched for, protected, and stayed with dangerous people.

Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse

Melanie Hamlett is a comedian, journalist, and storyteller based in Lyon, France. Her work has appeared in Harper’s Bazaar, The Washington Post, Glamour, Slate, and The Daily Beast. That includes a viral Harper’s Bazaar piece that has been cited in dozens of podcasts, books, and articles. She’s a multiple-time Moth winner. Before moving into writing and comedy, she spent years as a whitewater raft guide, an Outward Bound wilderness instructor, and a ski instructor. That firsthand experience shapes her work on the hidden dangers women face in the outdoors and in relationships.

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MelanieHamlett

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melhamlett/

00:00 Why river guides flip the raft on purpose

00:36 Meet Melanie Hamlett

04:53 A woman died on my first day as a raft guide

08:58 Don't let a man override your intuition

11:35 My father's dangerous stunts with us kids

14:17 Why do men put women in danger?

18:35 How men are raised to be reckless

22:46 Why women keep taking care of these men

26:09 Why smart women still default to men

28:40 When "toughing it out" nearly kills you

30:40 They call it carnage, like it's fun

36:04 Where to find Melanie

36:48 Coming up in the Podcast Extra

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it?

When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening.

If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps.

https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey

Why do the people closest to you seem to pull away right when you need them most?

Leaving a toxic relationship doesn’t end the fallout. It changes your relationships with everyone else too.

In this episode, Kerry answers two listener questions from recent live streams about what happens after you leave: how to reconnect with adult children who grew up in the chaos, and why friends often struggle to stay close while you heal.

In this episode, learn:
1. Why you may still be walking on eggshells around your adult kids, and how to tell real tension from old fear
2. How your silence can read as not caring, and the one honest conversation that can change everything
3. How to apologize for the times trauma kept you from showing up, without needing a certain response back
4. Why “trauma dumping” is actually a normal stage of recovery, and why you may lose friends during it
5. How to handle well-meaning people who say painful things like “at least you knew love”

WANT TO GO DEEPER?

In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the promise that keeps so many people stuck: “I’ll change for you.” Learn why desperate promises to change vanish the moment the relationship feels secure again.

Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse

00:00 Why people stop listening to your story

01:03 Walking on eggshells with your adult kids

02:38 The hotel room talk with my son

04:08 When your kids picked up narcissistic fleas

05:51 How to apologize to your kids

09:16 The habits we carry from a toxic relationship

10:02 Trauma dumping is a normal part of recovery

12:37 Why people don't want to hear your story

15:12 I lost friends over my story

16:17 "At least you knew love": what not to say

18:15 Some people can't meet you where you are

#NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #ToxicRelationship #TraumaBonding #TraumaDumping #AdultChildren #NarcissisticFleas #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it?

When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening.

If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps.

https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey

Have you ever confronted a narcissist about something truly hurtful and watched it vanish in seconds? A flicker of discomfort, then a reset, as if it never happened?

In this episode, Kerry and psychotherapist Lynn Strathdee take on the question listeners ask most: can a narcissist change? They explore why owning the problem is the real dividing line, the debate over shame versus humiliation, and what happens inside a disordered personality the moment it’s challenged.

WANT TO GO DEEPER?

In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the promise that keeps so many people stuck: “I’ll change for you.” Learn why desperate promises to change vanish the moment the relationship feels secure again.

Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse

LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism and narcissistic abuse recovery, and former educator helping adults reclaim identity after chronic antagonism. WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/

00:00 What happens inside a narcissist when you confront them

00:39 Can a personality disorder ever change?

02:56 Born with the tools: the wagon story

04:29 Why they won't own the problem

06:18 Do narcissists feel shame or humiliation?

07:43 Not enough of a "me" to change

10:30 Why real growth means sitting with discomfort

13:13 They reset right in front of you

16:56 Two years asking "can he change?"

18:59 How he faked change to keep me calm

22:22 Why victims get duped

24:41 Coming up in the Podcast Extra

#Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #CanNarcissistsChange #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #CovertNarcissist #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #ToxicRelationships #HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices