2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from the road, with Tom in Atlanta and Bert in Philly on his Permission to Party World Tour. The Bears debate whether they'll watch the Pentagon's livestreamed firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, then dig into the SiriusXM Raw Dog Radio shakeup that had comics coming after Sebastian Maniscalco, and how one video turned into Bert starting a comedians union (Leanne is handling it). From there, Bert swears he'll die with his beard, finally tells Tom about the shot in Bad Thoughts season two he can't believe made the cut, and gets fired up over hood horse racing in Mississippi. Plus: Mike Ditka's one-take steakhouse commercial, Michael Jordan finding his lost championship rings in a forgotten safe, Chamillionaire's $25,000 autograph, Barry Sanders and The Fridge, and Tom getting pitched hair transplants.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 343

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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:06:15 - Should You Watch The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution?

00:12:14 - Black Horse Racing & Sprinting On A Horse

00:19:31 - Bert Will Die With This Beard & The Bad Thoughts Shot

00:24:52 - SiriusXM, Raw Dog Radio, & The Sebastian Maniscalco Backlash

00:35:19 - Bert's Comedians Union

00:41:25 - Spam Calls & Mike Ditka's One-Take Commercial

00:46:34 - Michael Jordan's Lost Championship Rings

00:56:52 - Barry Sanders, The Fridge, & Elway's Two-Minute Drill

01:03:07 - Tommy Time & Wrap Up
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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 342

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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:04:09 - Football, The Metric System, & Catching Strays

00:09:13 - Tom Belongs In Cocoon

00:16:07 - One-Drink Bert & The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge

00:28:11 - Club Runs, Zach Bryan, & The Pillow Debate

00:33:20 - Goodwill Listening & The Gillette Stadium Beef

00:37:15 - Bert Asks Claude To Pick A Side

00:44:10 - "Do You Need Readers, Ma'am?"

00:46:58 - Pretty Privilege & Bert's Seatbelt Extender

00:50:31 - Ari Emanuel's Memoir & The Quan Millz Universe

00:58:24 - Animating Bert's Dreams & Tom Cruise's Digger

01:05:23 - Oppenheimer On A Phone & Wrap Up
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Presale tickets for Toms new tour Preposterous go live September 30th at 10am. Make sure to get yours over at https://tomsegura.com/tour and use code: TOMMY

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This week, Tom is off somewhere, so Bert Kreischer is joined by the legendary Rob Lowe, back in the Cave to talk about his new movie The Musical, the Sundance comedy with a twist so audacious the big distributors were too scared to buy it, now playing in theaters. Rob breaks down the 18-day shoot, the moment that makes audiences gasp, and why a small theatrical run still beats a mystery streaming "hit." From there, the two get into learning stick on La Cienega, LeeAnn's endless story recaps, Tom Cruise pulling his own tooth for The Outsiders, and Paul Newman's legendary hangs. Bert opens up about his Free Bert season two meltdown and the night he forgot how to yawn, Rob shares what 36 years of sobriety taught him, and they pitch the ultimate Netflix show: 24 Hours with Rob & Bert, starring Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler. Plus: Usher's house tour, Bryson DeChambeau's eagle, and the national anthem bit.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 341

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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:39 - Skinny Bert & Driving Stick On La Cienega

00:10:43 - Bert Doesn't Listen & The Cousin Who Can't Eat Anything With A Hoof

00:23:54 - Tom Cruise Pulled His Own Tooth & Butch Cassidy Cool

00:32:05 - The Musical & The Twist Nobody Would Buy

00:48:40 - The Night Bert Couldn't Yawn

00:54:54 - Measured Drinking & Rob's 36 Years Sobriety

01:00:37 - Paul Newman

01:05:43 - Rob's Headshot Composites & Growing Up Before Phones

01:11:15 - Timothée Chalamet, Press Tours, & Tom Cruise's Perfect Day

01:20:22 - Mark Wahlberg's 4AM Club & Bryson DeChambeau's Eagle

01:32:11 - Stunt Flying With Tom Cruise & & The National Anthem Bit

01:41:58 - Humble Sons & Usher's Netflix House Tour
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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are on separate sides of the country, but still together in our hearts. Tom's about to film a movie and Bert's been running his takes through ChatGPT before he says them out loud, which still doesn't stop LeeAnn and his daughters from destroying him over The Pastor's Wife. Bert explains how Last Comic Standing edited him into the villain, and how much public misrepresentation a person should take before they swing back; Michael Jackson, Shane Gillis, Johnny Depp, Joe Rogan, and Bert's "how many bees until you start swatting" theory. From there, Bert delivers the two greatest analogies of his life, Tom demands the production Bible for Tenet to understand it better, and Bert turns his garage door into a guillotine. They also get into Kyle Forgeard of Nelk Boys running seven marathons in seven days, Bert's daughters hijacking his couples therapy to tell the therapist he only feels emasculated at Lowe's, and Bert's case that Raygun should have won the gold medal and that Jackson Pollock was a shill.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 340

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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:38 - ChatGPT Approved Takes & Death Of The Pastor's Wife

00:07:17 - How Many Bees Until You Start Swatting? + Purple Doritos

00:15:02 - Tom's Movie Beard & Revisiting Tenet

00:28:44 - 365 One-Minute Episodes & Bryson DeChambeau's Hole In One

00:34:08 - Mountain Dew Sizzle

00:38:01 - Football Segue

00:39:19 - Kyle Forgeard's Seven Marathons & Andrew Schulz's Miami Era

00:43:50 - Bert's Tom Impression & Couples Therapy With The Girls

00:51:03 - The Honey Deuce & Bert's Return To Drinking

00:56:16 - What Olympic Sport Could You Actually Get Good At?

01:02:50 - Raygun Deserved The Gold & Jackson Pollock Was A Shill

01:12:15 - Wrap Up
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Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to.

Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader.

Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339

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https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay

00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams

00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight

00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad

00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge

00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet

00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men

00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup

00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator

01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions

01:11:34 - Wrap Up
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