Hard Factor 4/23: Social Security Is Fucked And Hand Jobs In Florida
So stop me if you've heard this before, Social Security is going to run out right before you're old enough to collect. Word on the street is that people are going to be collecting a lot less than 100% of their social security check starting in 2035, but that can change. Baby boomers are good though so don't worry about them. Elon Musk had his space ship blow up, one of his cars spontaneously combust, and his smelly girlfriend Grimes said she feels like she's in "villain mode" and turned into Thanos because of hanging out with him. What the fuck have you done lately. Okay enough of the Florida hand job shop in the news already. Apparently now there is a video of Bob Kraft getting his front drained that is now on sale to the highest bidder. We propose that Kraft just lean into this whole thing, buy the video himself and play it over the giant screen at Gillette before the first home game right before they drop the banner. Blurring of any objects onscreen could be a game time decision.
HARD FACTOR 4/22: Easter Massacre in Sri Lanka, Wild Easter "Celebrations" in the US, Militia Man Arrested, and a Cannabis Cup Recap
Three churches and four hotels were bombed in Sri Lanka on Easter in an apparently religiously motivated attack. There have been counter attacks, and it's a bad situation. A Seton Hall professor wanted to “celebrate” Easter by lighting several Catholic churches on fire… good news for everyone that this man is an absolute moron and didn't get away with his plan. Also, a pastor in Ohio encouraged his 12 year-old Sunday school kids to spit on him and cut him with steak knives to simulate the torture that Jesus Christ endured; and aggressive lesson plan to say the least. 69 year-old Larry Mitchell Hopkins has been arrested for leading a militia group on the border, apprehending border crossers they felt were unable to be handled by the Federal authorities. The real star of this story is the mug shot. Cannabis Cup Recap, Michael Avenatti allegedly stole over a million from Hassan Whiteside and his ex-girlfriend, and Ukraine has elected a comedian as their new president.
Hard Factor 4/18: Apple Settles Lawsuit With Qualcomm, A Mom In CA Banged Her Daughter's Boyfriends, Shady Opioid Doctors Busted, Lightening Round
Coral Lytle, of Tulare CA is being accused of banging her daughters two separate freshman boyfriends and bribing them off with booze and smokes. Sounds like a great deal for a 15 year old boy, because she is kinda hot.....The whole thing fell through when one of the freshman got a conscience and alerted police because he felt guilty shaking her husband's hand.....what an idiot that kid is. Apple and Qualcomm have finally settled their lawsuit. What does it mean?? Well this is great news for Iphone users because it means Apple will be able to bring you 5G service quicker, so quicker stream times for porn clips and whatever else you like to look at on your phone. Federal prosecutors charged 60 physicians and pharmacists Wednesday with illegally handing out bullshit scripts for opioids in what they are calling is the biggest dirty doctor opioid bust ever in the U.S. It's probably laughable in China. Doctors were handing out prescriptions to friends, trading them for sex, and even pulling teeth to cover up the prescriptions. Lightening Round: - Double Suicide, including the girl who was terrorizing Colorado schools with threats of another Columbine Massacre, she's dead. Former Peruvian President, Alan Garcia, killed himself while police were in his house to arrest him for charges of money laundering and accepting bribes. - Scientists now believe that you know you are dead for several minutes when your heart stops and are actually conscience of what is happening around you....bummer. - The dog that was found swimming 135 miles off Thailand is back on land, safe and sound, maybe..
Hard Factor 4/17: Trump Busted Out His Veto Gong, Ancient Diseases Unearthed by Global Warming, John From The Robert Kraft Handjob Parlor Choses An Interesting Defense
On Today's Episode of Hard Factor: Roll back out the veto gong. Our guy Donnie got a taste a few weeks ago. He got his first veto in over the National Emergency “invasion” in air quotes at the border and now he's going to be smashing that veto gong a lot. Number 2 came on Tuesday when President Donald Trump vetoed a congressional resolution that sought to end U.S. involvement in the Saudi-led war in Yemen. There has been a four-year-long civil war where one side is backed by Saudi Arabia and the other side is backed by Iran those being the Houthi rebels. A few quick facts about Yemen are it is located at the southern end of the Arabian peninsula in western Asia and is only separated from Africa by the Gulf of Aden. Really sexy gulf front property with a vast array of coral, fish and even whales I would love to go snorkeling there. An article published by the Sun, an Australian news outlet, on Monday is scaring the shit out of news readers everywhere because it talks about all the things that can happen when permafrost is melted by global warming/climate change/being hot outside, whatever the fuck you want to call it. The basic gist is that prehistoric bacteria and diseases can lie dormant in permafrost that's been frozen deep beneath the earth's surface for thousands of years, or more. Some more news out of the handjob capitol of the United States, Jupiter Florida. Where a man being identified as “John Doe” is suing the Jupiter Police Department for violating his constitutional rights to privacy because he was at the Orchids of Asia on the same day the police were operating their bullshit sting against Patriots owner and all around great guy, Bob Kraft. So he is suing the Palm Beach County State Attorneys Office, the detective who got the warrant to spy with cameras, and the Jupiter police department for damages. Something tells me the judge is going to throw it out and tell him sorry about his divorce.
Hard Factor 4/16: Notre Dame Was On Fire, Tiger's Getting a Presidential Medal and Bernie's a Millionaire
Well that was wild, the whole fucking cathedral almost burnt to the ground and the whole world was watching it and acting like it was a royal wedding except one where someone got stood up at the alter. This is not the first time Notre Dame was nearly or just straight up destroyed, it happened in World War I as well. No one died, they will rebuild and the baguettes and wine will still be phenomenal in the meantime. Tiger won the Masters, holy shit let's give him a Medal of Honor, the Nobel Peace Prize, the Pulitzer, a Grammy, a Kennedy Center Honor and the Presidential Medal of Freedom along with his fifth green jacket. President Trump says he is actually going to give Woods the Medal of Freedom, good for Tiger and great for local madams because Tiger is back and he be fucking. Yesterday was Tax Day and fuuuck Tax Day. Bernie Sanders seemed to be loving it though as he released the last ten years of his tax history and revealed that he became a millionaire when he ran for President in 2016 by selling a shit load of copies of his book as well as whatever else money you make running for President. Brought to you by: We The People Holsters